Start with cold cooked rice.
Fry it in a wok for a while with some chopped scallions and a bit of ginger. No, wait, maybe you should add the scallions and seasoning later.
You should definitely have some scrambled eggs; you should use something between half an egg and an egg and a half for each cup of rice, and you should definitely either scramble the eggs in the wok before cooking the rice and keep them hot before adding them at the end; scramble the eggs, cool them, and cut them into thin strips; or scramble the eggs in the wok with the rice once the rice is done.1
Add other stuff near the end, once the rice is mostly done. You could add chicken, pork, bok choy, peas, whatever. (Diced Spam is apparently traditional for the Hawaiian luau we were emulating.)
Turn left where the church used to be, and go until two blocks before the second light. You can't miss it.
1 This is is probably the sort of issue that provokes knife fights among fried rice purists.
But the fried rice was spoken well of by the people who ate it, and people asked me for the recipe. So I'll try to describe what I actually did, with annotations:
4+ cups cold cooked rice 2
3 green onions, chopped 3
2 tablespoons oil
1 package fried rice seasoning mix4
2 tablespoons soy sauce
4 eggs, beaten
4 ounces diced ham5
8 ounces frozen peas and carrots, cooked in microwave according to package directions.
1. Heat a large wok6 over medium heat until very hot. Add the oil and let it heat up.
2. Stir-fry the rice and the green onions. (It wasn't clear how long to do this. I thought the rice might change color, but it did not. The guidelines I ended up setting for myself were to fry it until the green onions were wilted and smelled done, and the rice was no longer in big chunks.)
3. Stir in the fried rice seasoning and the soy sauce. (This, I learned, is what makes it turn brown.) Stir-fry for another 3 minutes.
4. Push all the rice to one side of the pan. Add the beaten eggs. Let them cook until there's a layer of cooked egg on the bottom, then push that cooked egg out of the way to let more liquid egg reach the bottom. Repeat until the eggs are fluffy and fully cooked. Break them up with the wok tool, and stir them into the rice.
5. Stir in the ham and the peas and carrots; cook until heated through.
2All the recipes I read were very firm on the need for cold cooked rice. We made it the night before in a steamer we bought at an estate sale which had never been taken out of the box. It worked great. I love our new steamer.
3I actually used one bundle of 7 large green onions for two recipes.
4I used Sun-Bird brand.
5You can buy diced ham in the grocery store, and it's terribly convenient.
6I used our six-quart Calphalon Professional non-stick pan, and it was a nigh-rapturous delight.