|Tuesday, August 21st, 2001|
11:08a - Blue
In my first journal entry, I mentioned that I wanted to dye my hair a brilliant color temporarily, but I was holding off because of the upcoming wedding and the prospect of meeting customers.
In yesterday's staff meeting at work, it sounded as if I wasn't going to be meeting customers for a month or two. so I asked whether I'd be meeting customers soon. Mark knew that I was really asking "Will it create problems if I dye my hair?" He was kind of derisive about my desire and implied strongly that I was too old for such things, but he grudgingly agreed that it would probably be okay.
At night, then, Lori and I were talking about how Mark can be somewhat difficult to get along with these days, because the stress of trying to get our company to take off is really being hard on him.
As we were going to bed, then, I recalled the conversation with Mark. I retold it to Lori.
I figured that it would be another anecdote of my having trouble getting along with Mark.
I thought Lori shared my enthusiasm for the idea of temporarily dyeing my hair, and now that Mark had given the grudging go-ahead, we would start giddily plotting a recoloring for me. I was expecting that we'd discuss the relative merits of a brilliant jewel blue or a warm purple.
I was wrong.
I was so wrong.
Lori views the idea with apprehension.
She didn't understand why I want to do this, and asked me why. For my part, I have trouble explaining it, because it seems obviously cool to me.
Lori said, "Many of the people around you won't understand why you're doing this."
This is code for something I don't understand, because on the face of it, it shouldn't matter whether other people understand; why should I care? But it might mean 'I don't understand', and that I do care about.
So I've been feeling very sad by her disapproval. And my inner voice is saying This is what happens when you want things. This is why it's wrong to want things.
Lori feels really bad about making me feel so sad. She says, "I'm sorry" over and over. I know she does feel sorry. But I don't know how to respond.
She suggests things like coloring my hair very briefly, so that no one sees it. That's not satisfactory to me, and I can't explain why.
This is so messed up. Everyone I know has bigger problems than this. Even I have bigger problems than this. I feel like such a whiner for being so sad about this. This too is one of the bad effects of wanting things.
current mood: sad
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9:52p - The Music In My Head
The lyrics "Don't go wasting your emotion; lay all your love on me" come from an ABBA song, right?
Why are they going through my head now, when my ABBA experience has been almost completely limited to a couple of Bjorn Again concerts?
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