January 29th, 2004


Paralyzed by Stress

Feeling miserable about this coding problem at work.

I'd said I could implement Plan A by Wednesday. En route, I discovered a plan B. It looked temptingly easy, and I was tempted to do that instead. But Plan A looked within reach, and served our goals better, so I pressed on with that. But the Wednesday deadline seemed pretty serious; I really wanted to make that.

Around 10 last night, I gave up on Plan A; I just couldn't make it work. So, back to plan B. But I couldn't make Plan B work either. Beat my head in frustration on it for a few hours before going to bed.

At the moment, I've hit that point of stress in which I'm so paralyzed by stress that I can't think clearly enough to get to any solutions. Which is, frankly, a serious deficiency in a stress response, for which I should like to file a bug report. Did a deer-in-the-headlines response ever help a deer, even before headlights?

My co-workers are being super-helpful, though, which may mean that we can pull it off, even if I can't. Which gives my emotional state a nice blend of misery at personal failure and blubbering gratitude at their help. I hope that I am being pleasant to my co-workers, even while I'm freaking out like this.

Arms still hurt. Worse than yesterday, not as badly as last week.
Perhaps I need to avoid keyboards altogether for the weekend. (That would be a challenge.) I wish I could find my braces.

I am in the same sort of paralyzed stress about D&D on Saturday. I have some ideas, but haven't been able to generate more ideas or knit them together. I feel tempted to cancel, but I think that would be unwise--it's said all along that the greatest virtue of this game is that it's actually being played, and it's been a month since last we played. So doing a bad job is better than doing no job.