I prepared hard for tonight's D&D session. I took care to rest a bit last night and take things a bit easier at work today, so that I wouldn' t be as tired and frotzed as I feared I might be. I wrote down carefully-thought-out responses to all the questions that the players had listed beforehand, and a few that they hadn't.
I felt I did a pretty good job of running things in actual play, too. I stood up, to better convey the Oracle's presence. I improvised pretty well (albeit not perfectly), including coming up with some fairly poignant bits about the Oracle sacrificing herself to fuel the forge that would revive Kotara-Nar.
And the players praised me and said it was a good session.
And yet I feel... drained and unsatisfied. I think I did a pretty good job, but I seem to be unable to feel it. Which, quite frankly, is terribly unfair--on the basis of the evidence, I think I deserve a warm glow of satisfaction.
But instead, I feel drained but not able to sleep, and acutely aware of all the bobbles of the evening, such as forgetting details about the Oracle like the gems falling from her mouth and her gift of tongues. And Kevin engaged with my big climactic question on an intellectual level, instead of an emotional level as I had hoped. (I don't fault him for it; his default mode is intellectual, and he's had a hard week too. I was terribly worried that if I wasn't well-prepared, I'd engage the evening on a purely intellectual level too.)
This weekend, I met one of Monica's LJ friends, who said, "Oh, you're the GM of that wonderful campaign I keep hearing about!" And I read Monica's latest entry in her character's journal, and I said, "Wow, that's so cool!"
I wish I could feel it being as good as I think it is.